Are you living a surrogate life?
On distraction, disconnection and living by default
Tell me if you’re familiar with this nagging feeling that never seems to go away…
You’ve just finished watching or reading a bunch of ‘content’ online…
You’ve watched too much and feel the mental fatigue setting in. You’re full of ideas and inspiration but lack the mental bandwidth to actually start anything. So, what do you do?
Nothing.
You have to rest and let your mental fatigue ease.
“It’s ok, I’ll work on my dreams tomorrow”, you tell yourself.
Tomorrow comes around and you’re back watching more ‘content’ about the things you want to be doing in your life.
It’s inspiring. It shows you what’s possible.
But the inspiration is enticing. It keeps you wanting more.
You subconsciously feel like you’re living your desired life because your brain can’t tell the difference between what you’re seeing and what you’re actually living.
Your brain can’t see the gap between your desired life and your reality and so it’s not motivated to close it.
Every day you see what your life could look like but you never actually get to experience what it does look like because you never move from inspiration into actualisation.
So you continue watching other people’s lives because it makes it feel like you’re living your desired life.
This is what I call surrogate living.
But what’s actually going on here?
Living in a fantasy and too satisfied to stop it
“People often immerse themselves in dreams and fantasies about a desired future. Though such future fantasies are pleasant, they do not necessarily lead to the effort required to attain the desired future.”
— Gabriele Oettingen 1
When you’re in a constant state of watching other people live out your desired life, you’re living in a fantasy.
In fantasy, your brain cannot tell the difference between the fantasy and your reality. Your brain is partially experiencing the reward (ie. living your desired life) as already obtained.
The problem with this is that the gap between your reality and your desired life is reduced because your brain is giving you the feeling that you’re living it.
Social media is fantasy.
You’re only ever seeing a curated snapshot of whatever story someone is trying to tell you.
It can’t be called reality because you never see the full picture.
Yet you’re living this fantasy as if it is your reality. You’re living a surrogate life.
Too much of a bad thing
“The more positively people fantasize about their desired futures, the less effort they invest and the less successful they are in realizing these futures.”
— Gabriele Oettingen
Enjoying a fantasy isn’t the problem. It’s how often you’re enjoying the fantasy. Fantasy experienced once creates motivation. Fantasy experienced repeatedly creates delusion.
The brain is wired to experience a gap between reality and your desires as a motivating force to close that gap.
But when you’re constantly living in a fantasy, that gap is reduced and you’re not motivated to close the gap because it doesn’t feel big enough.
You are however motivated to seek the path of least resistance which in this case is, you guessed it, more fantasy. More living vicariously through other people’s lives on social media. Or in other words, living a surrogate life.
This is where the never-ending, never-quite-satisfying consumption cycle of content continues.
Seeing reality and closing the gap
“When fantasies about a desired future are complemented with a clear sense of reality, people find the direction and energy needed to realize their fantasies.”
— Gabriele Oettingen
So what happens if you stop consuming content? (Or, at the very least, dramatically reduce it?)
Well, you’re then faced with reality. Your reality.
And when you’re faced with reality, you’re also faced with the ability to make a change.
The gap between your reality and your desired life becomes so clear that you’re intrinsically motivated to close it.
You’re no longer distracted by fantasy. You’re wholeheartedly motivated by the gap you see right in front of you.
If this is resonating with you, you’re probably thinking — ok Natalia, but how do I actually do this? How do I close the gap in my life when fantasy just feels so good?
Turn down the volume
My more mindful life philosophy outlines the three steps to living your desired life as:
- Know yourself
- Know what you want
- Live in alignment with 1 and 2
The foundational practice that underlies these three steps is turning down the volume on the external noise so that you can start to hear your internal voice.
Here are two things you can do to start turning down the volume on the external noise:
- Set time limits for when you can and can’t watch or read content online
- Unfollow accounts or people you follow and unsubscribe from newsletters
The difference you’ll feel by implementing either of the ideas above is comparable to being stuck in traffic in a busy city vs. being the only car driving on a long open road.
And if you genuinely want to see positive changes in your life, I encourage you to commit to trying one or both of the ideas above. You can do either in 15 mins or less. Don’t let this be a missed opportunity to make a new reality for yourself.
Then, when you’ve turned down the volume on the external noise you can now use all of the things you were seeking out as signals of what you might desire for your own life.
When something inspires you, use the inspiration as a reason to pursue it, not experience it through someone else.
The easy option is watching other people live out your dreams. The hard option is trying to make your dreams your reality. The easy option leads to regret. The hard option leads to fulfilment.
The choice is yours.
The deliberate life
Without being able to discern between what’s yours vs. what’s someone else’s, you’ll never be quite sure if you’re living your life or someone else’s.
There’s the default life — following the path laid out to all of us and never questioning if it’s what you actually want.
There’s the surrogate life — faux-living your desired life through the fantasy of other people’s.
Then there’s the deliberate life — one where you pay deliberate attention to your reality and intentionally work towards bridging the gap between what you have and what you want.
No amount of surrogate living will ever feel as good as watching your own reality become what you actually desire.